Fear. Please don't visit again.

Today, I made a sound I didn't know I could make. Today, I re-evaluated everything, I thought I had covered and today, I realised how close we came to having a horrible and potentially fatal accident.

Today, I watched helplessly, as my eldest ran out into the road, on a bilnd corner. She was chasing her scooter and no matter how much we screamed at her to stop, she kept going, desperate to save her scooter. I've never felt fear like it, as I watched helplessly, while pushing the pram toward her, screaming, like I've never screamed before. I was petrified. Honestly, I have never felt like that before and I never want to again.

She has good road sense for a 4 year old, well I thought she did. All she wanted to do was save her scooter, she had no concept of the fact, that we could buy another scooter but we couldn't buy another Number 1 child.

Luckily she didn't make it too far out, until she got hold of her scooter but I dread to think what would have happened, if she hadn't of caught it.
We do that journey twice a week and always on scooters. She always stops and sits at the boulder to wait for us but tonight, the scooter just drifted off. I never for one moment thought she'd chase her scooter and I never thought she'd ignore, both of us screaming at her to stop, to save the poxy scooter.
She immediately knew she'd done wrong and burst into tears but it was to late. My mind was, and still is, in overdrive. Replaying every moment, thinking how could I be so stupid, to let them scooter home? Why did I not do more on road safety? Why? Why? Why?

Im cross at her but I'm so grateful that there wasnt a car speeding round the corner, at that moment. But I'm more angry at myself. I've covered crossing roads and the green man and holding hands but not once did I think to say "please don't chase your scooter out into the road" because, I honestly thought that she knew, not to!

I won't be taking anything for granted anymore. Since we've got home, I've decided no more scooters. We walk home now. We've had another long talk about listening and why we don't go in the road, unless we are holding Mummy or Daddy's hand. She knew what could have happened, as when I asked why don't we run into the road? Her response was "because I will get squashed" followed by a very quiet and innocent "but I just wanted my scooter"

Needless to say, I made her sit with me for a little while and I squeezed her tighter, than I ever have before.

I never want to feel that fear again.