Things I discovered, when I became a parent.

- Suddenly washing every day, is a dream. Twice a week becomes luxury.

- Newborns will only sleep, when in the presence of people you've told, how bad they are at sleeping. 

- Even though they are only one small person, your washing pile triples in size, with each child that arrives and you never get on top of it.

- Kids are really funny. Which is a good job because if they weren't, you'd properly bury them in the garden, for waking you at 3am, because their sock fell off.

- Newborns sleep better than toddlers and toddlers sense this. Once the baby is sleeping after a night feed,  the toddler will then rise and throw a tantrum because 3am is waky waky time and wake the sleeping baby.

- Baby's will shit through any nappy. Be it Pampers or Aldi or Tescos. Save your money and just skip the nappy. You will throw most your vests in the bin, with or without the nappy anyway.

- A child will make a mess eating anything. Cheese, crackers or spag bol, a child will turn themselves, and the 1/2mile radius surrounding them, in food.

- The smell of baby sick lingers, no matter how much you clean. It also stains everything, even if you wash it, as soon as it is expelled.

- You will never be able to find the muslin cloth, never. (hint, you're normally sitting on it)

- A toddler finds the toilet fascinating, until you want them to sit on it. Then they will fight you all the way, until they realise the toilet is "fun" and then you can't get them off it. You will also have to visit every toilet possible, the second you leave the house.

- Say goodbye to bathing, showering, pooing or peeing alone. If you havent had to take the baby with you, because they are clingy AF, the toddler will join you and engage in a riviting game of 100 questions.

- They will refuse to eat anymore tea, as they are full but will suddenly find room for pudding and then moan an hour later that they are hungry.

- It doesn't matter where you put their drink, they will spill it.

- Bedtime means sit in bed for 30 seconds before getting up, 123433 times for a wee or a drink or a chat.

- Kids who don't want to sleep, ask questions Steven Hawking couldn't even answer.

- You spends hours and days, repeating words and they never sya them back to you. Say dickhead once and they immediately repeat it back and continue saying it, to everyone they meet for weeks.

- No matter what cup or bowl or plate you give them, it will be wrong.

- If you get the chance for a lie in, be assured the kids will be up 2 hours earlier, than normal.

- When they are in the bath, the water will not remain in the bath due to them deciding your bathroom, is now a water park.

- No doesn't mean no. It means kick and shout and scream until mummy can't bear it anymore and gives in, to whatever it was.

- Even girls pee on the loo seat and floor.

- They make you happier than you ever imagined, you could be. The hard days are made so much easier, when they smile. Every hug makes you forget, how crap the world is and every "love you Mummy", makes you know that no matter how much your life has changed, its changed for the better and you wouldn't change it for the world.