My life as a Parent. The crap no-one's talking about.

- All my clothes have baby sick, stains on them. If they don't, the baby will sort that out, within 5 seconds of wearing them.

- Washing my hair once a week, is the new normal.

- It's normal to get to bedtime and realise, I've only eaten a pack of crisps...and then have another pack, as I can't be arsed to start cooking.

- A travel mug is essential, if I want a hot cup of tea! (thanks to the bestie, for that Xmas prezzie!)

- Walking round the house, is like an episode of the Kypton Factor. Avoiding toys, trying to open stair gates and not falling over toddlers, that stand directly behind me, for no bloody reason.

- My house resembles a demolition site but if my choice is to clean up, while they nap or have a brew and watch TV, I'm choosing TV. Unless we are expecting visitors and then I will clean like Kim and Agie, on crack.

- I eat sweets and biscuits, while hiding in the kitchen. I have perfected talking to them, while holding my half eaten food, in the roof of my mouth.

- I have also perfected the art of blaming or shaming the husband, by trash talking him, to the children.

- I've learnt to function on two hours sleep... No. No I haven't. I'm a miserable asshole, if I haven't had at least 10 hours, I just know how to control my anger and misery better.

- Being a parent is hard but it's also really fun. There is no better feeling , than schooling your toddler by smashing in a top bins or thrashing them on the shooting ride, at Legoland. I live for those victorys and these victorys, make having kids so much better!